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A selection of jokes that I will update occasionally




A guy goes into the psychiatrist and says " doc,can you help me ,sometimes I think I'm a wigwam and other times I think I'm a teepee" The doctor replies " I know what your problem is, you're two tents!    (too tense!!!)





I had a dream last night that I was eating a giant marshmallow! Woke up this morning....the pillow was missing!!




Old Saying: A man chases a woman until she catches him!



A man is at home when a knock comes to the door.He answers and sees a policeman standing there. The policeman holds up a photograph and says 'excuse me sir is this your wife?'

The man looks at the picture and says" Yes it is officer is there something wrong?" The policeman replies " I'm sorry sir but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

" o yea " says the man," but she has a wonderful personality and gets on great with the kids!!!"






A man goes into Waterstone's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant;

"Do you have that new book that's out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."




My friend is so thin he's only got one stripe on his pajamas!







Jean Paul Sartre goes into a coffee shop and says to the assistant

"Can I have a coffee please, no cream" and the assistant says

" I'm sorry Mr. Sartre, We've no cream, can I give you a coffee with no milk!!





Young boy says to mother "Ma when I grow up I want to be a musician" mother replies " well make up your mind son, you can't do both!!"





I once dated a girl who collected magazines, I had to break up with her,she had too many issues!






A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a while and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"



Some good one-liners

1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

2. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

3. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

4. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

5. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

6. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

7. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

8. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

9. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

10. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

11. Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

12.  f(x) = 6x+3 walks into a bar and says to the barman. 'Got any sandwiches'?
'Sorry' says the bar man 'We don't cater for functions'

13. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.

14. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

15. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

16. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

17. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

18. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing!!

19. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

20. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

21. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

22. Just got back from my mate's funeral; he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

23. What do you call an Irishman who stops fights? Liam Malone!!

24. I grilled a chicken yesterday, but he still wouldn’t tell me why he crossed the road!


                                   He said to me........................I said to him Jokes!


1. He said to me .....I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it........I said to him...You wear pants don't you?

2. He said to me.....Shall we try swapping positions tonight?.....I said to him...That's a good idea - You stand by the stove and sink, while I sit on the sofa and fart!!

3. He said to me ....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you...I said to him...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.!

4. He said to me ...Why don't women blink during foreplay.. I said to him.. They don't have time!!

5.He said to me .....Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?.....I said to him...They already have boyfriends!!

6. He said to me ....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? .....I said to him ....A widow!!

7. He said to me ....Why are married women heavier than single women?.. I said to him... Single women come home,see what's in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home ,see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!!




       Sergeant goes into Corporals quarters and they all stand to attention. He approaches Corporal Jones and says" I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning Jones",............... " thank you sir", says Jones!




   A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with tons of teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the middle shelf, and huge bears along the top shelf. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. The passion builds, and he lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they make hot, steamy love.

After an intense night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, and asks coyly,

"How was it?"
The guy smiles at her and says: 

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"



   Granny's Condom

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when
it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
  end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
  Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
  Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
  The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy,
obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after
all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."!!!


    A Dub goes for a job interview.

interviewer: " can you tell me what you think is your worst quality?"

              Dub:  " my worst quality? , I'd have to say my honesty!"

           interviewer:  " your honesty!!?, I would have thought that was one of your best qualities!"

                                                                           Dub: " I couldn't give a fuck what you think!"                                                                                                                                 



I've just written a book on reverse psychology. Don't buy it!



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.